I have figured out that my depression is being triggered by Friend and News feeds on Facebook, so I'm just doing to stay away from certain things on Facebook since I know I can't be entirely away from it.

It's just disappointing to be excluded from a lot of activities from people that I considered close friends for so long. It hurts.

I'm happy to have internet friends, a smaller circle of closer-knit friends and Whitey, but it's all those old friends that I was tighter with, that I'd still do random nice things and supportive things for that make it hurt the most when it just seems like I'm being shoved aside.

I just can't really move on because I care about them so much, and every time I bring up how I feel, it somehow ends up being my fault about feeling that way...or something stupid.

So, I don't know how to feel and that is really upsetting. The most I can do is work on what I love to do, stop searching for approval from those that I know won't give it to me, and play with my doggy because he gives me unconditional love and support with his waggy tail and floppy ear. Single ear, the other one is pointy.

Although, I still feel really hurt by this. It just seems that a key few people that I would like to be closer to just don't seem to care about what I'm doing unless they need something. I'm essentially being used, and I don't know what to do. It's not as easy as just not talking to them or not being their friends.

I do love the people that don't treat me this way. I totally do. I love bonding with the physical friends and the Twitter/FA/dA/Internet friends. I really love my best friends and they've never failed me before. But, it's these in-between friends that I find are causing me to feel horribly depressed, and I don't even know if I can call them friends. Situations are far too complicated to explain here or anywhere, but I just feel partially unloved from those few. It shouldn't affect me as much, but I just want to be appreciated for my efforts, I guess.

I don't know. I really appreciate people participating in my forums and generally talking to me on IM. I like feeling connections on some levels. And hanging out with my closest friends the last few days has been really good on my self-esteem, but I still feel alone. I usually make friends pretty easily, and that's still true, but I think I've only connected with one school classmate thus far. And that's fine, too. I don't mind if the others don't see me as a "cool person". I'm not there for them; I'm there for myself and to better myself.

I guess I just feel alone.

        

I have a horrible morning/afternoon school commute on the 405 freeway in LA. I discovered this little gem this morning somewhere between LAX and the 10:

        

Started school again. Hope to graduate next year.

Working on much drawing. Character designs, mostly concentrating on supplemental for the Terran world. Tech, landscapes, office spaces, designs. Still working on what the different Law Systems entail.

I want to become more involved in the government and planning affairs of my local city, so I'm going to start looking into that. It may be the career transition I'm seeking, since I'm starting to dislike mobile QA but not software QA as a whole. I'd really like to be doing localization again, but industries seem to be looking for European Spanish more than that of Latin American Spanish.

        

It's bigger than the webcomic. At first, I thought it stemmed from the comic subject matter; that it was a manifestation of Anubis, of Alex. But, it's not. It's been lingering and no amount of art rendered on my behalf depicting either Anubis or Alex engaging in sport of some martial art will quench its desires. It's been a dull feeling of increased energy, of desire to vent through punches, kicks, throws to inanimate objects, to other fighters, to the universe. It has been a driving fuel since January, and I'm thankful it is there.

But, it's not satisfied with drawing anymore. It's not satisfied on the bike; it's not satiated under the duress of a jog; it's not content in the unconscious shaking of a leg or a limb; it's not even appeased by video games. It yearns for the real thing and it wants me to fulfill the void soon.

Since I lack income with which to satisfy this urge, I will continue in my current endeavors to attempt to appease the stewing demon, but suggestions in the meantime would be quite helpful. I'm actually thinking about some sort of martial arts enrollment in the near future regardless.

I hate competition though, so it'd mostly be for me. And research. But still me.

        

It's not lewd, dammit. I just cloned myself in order to sing "Come What May" as a duet. No fear, though. I have killed my clone. The good one.

I apologize in advance for the following:

- My lack of intonation
- The differing levels of lighting due to the time differences between each shot and my laziness to fix it.
- Any slight sync issues between sound and video
- My choice of attire
- My choice of song

Other than that, this was just something for me to do because I'm a very bored and huge dork. ENJOY!

        

A proper write up while it's still somewhat fresh in my mind, one week later.

THURSDAY

I arrived around 5PM on Thursday, shortly after Dori herself had arrived and checked into our hotel room. Sean was still AWOL for about one more day. She helped schlep my belongings to our room, we settled in and headed down to Thursday LobbyCon. I head down to the basement to find anyone from Con Ops, and returned later when I had only found other Whovians. Found Martin Young in the lobby and introduced self. He then took me up to the Con Ops suite on the 17th floor facing the LAX runways and introduced me to the other staff and con ops members. We talked for a few hours until about 1AM and then I retired to my room to return the following morning. I also met Bob the Boob Llama in Maria's cleavage. Bob liked to be in Boobs.

FRIDAY

Was instructed via e-mail to arrive at 7AM sharp in the basement at Con Ops HQ. Got there around 7:15AM and was put to work until registration opened and I could retrieve my badge. Most of the time was spent helping Willow Jewelry in the Dealer Room set up her stand. Nice woman, but I could tell that her products would be out of the price range of the standard con attendee. We chatted, and I made a nice friend for the weekend in the Dealer's Room. By the time I finished with setup, registration had opened. I retrieved my badge, got my volunteer ribbon and raided the Con Ops ribbon stash, and returned to be deployed elsewhere for the day. Martin, at some point, told me that I was under probation for consideration for Con Ops itself -- a nice surprise since I wasn't really planning on moving beyond status of Volunteer.

Also delivered a UNIT sealed package on behalf of the Master (and Tadao) to Martin.



Towards the end of the evening, I ducked back into my room to change into my Casino attire and dropped into the Casino run by the Torchwood Girls to become a craps dealer with Sean, and had quite an amazing time. Our table kept our gamblers cleaning up to the point that we just ended up with our own bank of high chips closer to the end of the evening. It was quite fun, but I missed Kevin and Andy's Titanic Party by being there. Although, they always seem to plan their parties at the same time as Salina and Catie's parties, so I'm left with choices.

Ended the evening at LobbyCon and then returned to a sleepless night of snoring. Not mine.

SATURDAY

Up at 6:30 AM because I just could sleep. Took a long shower/bath and then headed down to Con Ops at 8AM. Promoted to Con Ops about mid-morning on Saturday...figured out voting happened amongst the senior members late last night while I was out having fun. Got a radio assigned, and given call sign "UNIT". Quite giddy, and after Robbie told me that I couldn't carry the weapons while working (I had no intention to do so since I'd be walking through the lobby often, and the rifle is heavy), I set off in just the UNIT uniform to carry my radio and began the standard functions of the day. I also got my Con Ops black-on-blue ribbon!

Since I was Jr. Con Ops, being so new, I essentially became a rover lackey until I learned the ways of Con Ops. Most of Saturday was spent doing many things required by Con Ops, including forgoing a few Masquerade meetings in order to attend related Con Ops meetings, and helping Johanna with her Masquerade adventures.

I talked to many of the guests, sometimes briefly, about many things...most of which was "What drink would you like?" as I was assigned to keep all guests in the autograph queues and signing rooms satiated while they performed their fan duties. Being the one that personally knows the Torchwood Girls, I was also assigned as Con Ops liaison to finding them whenever they were needed. Mostly whenever Robbie or Tadao needed to find them. I could never find them all together all weekend, at least for long periods of time.

I was assigned both line control and Masquerade duties for the evening, which included being dehumanized by a certain member of Con Staff wanting to merely impress his friends by going against our requests to maintain line control and fire code and being yelled at by a drunken attendee confused over the clear directions about where the end of the line was being given to him. Other than that, my feet hurt much, but I maintained position as UNIT and helped out to the best of my abilities. The evening ended with guarding the Masquerade entry peoples from curious photogs and being choked out by a Cyberman.



LobbyCon followed thereafter, once I had popped out of uniform. Well, before LobbyCon, Sean, Dori, Christina and I went to IHOP to complain about their food and just refill on much needed caloric content. Then we returned to LobbyCon where I met up with Michael (Delgado Master), Arthur (Fur Piled Creator), and Ben Paddon (Evil 10th Doctor) for a $12.50 Absolut vodka martini (WTF!?) and much talking about matters I can no longer remember. Hung out with them for a few more hours in various parts of the hotel, which included the piano and story time in the basement. Turned in around 3AM to another sleepless night of snoring. Basically played my MP3 player until the battery died and that's how I got four hours of sleep and weird dreams. Up, showered, back down to Con Ops.

SUNDAY

Sunday was spent doing much of the same as the other days, Con Ops duties. After a Friday and Saturday being in uniform, I spent the entire Sunday out of uniform to give my feet a much needed rest. Sunday afternoon was slow for Con Ops and was spent mostly helping the Dealer's room and Art Room pack up after closing, and preparing to take down the rest of the rooms post-con. Late in the evening, the Con Staff retired upstairs for their dinner leaving Con Ops and Volunteers guarding the take-down of the main program room and TARDIS. We were left alone just long enough that we ended up creating Torchwood / Doctor Who porn from the action figures. Best not to leave us alone.

NSFW Link: Torgy @ Gally 2010

After people had returned from their dinner, and others had left for the evening with promises of school or other obligations in the morning, we set off to begin the lengthy process of dismantling Gallifrey One.

The rest of the evening was filled with fielding an irrational parent on the escapades of Tommy Knight's kilt, a water gun fight (see video below) with Con Ops against Tommy Knight, and generally hanging out in the lobby with Tommy Knight, a few other characters, friends, and being stalked on Twitter and in-person by other attendees. Dropped into sleep around 4AM, after finally tapping the lobby for internet and catching up on four days worth of missed e-mails, voicemail, messages, and tweets.

MONDAY

Dori was very hungry that morning, Sean had left the evening before for home, and Christina had left in mid-afternoon on Sunday. Dori and I watched The Princess Diaries 2 and had room service deliver breakfast. After this, we showered/bathed, cleaned up and packed our belongings, and schlepped individual belongings to our respective cars. I carried Big Stitch around the lobby one last time and deposited him in the car before spending yet another two hours in Post-Gally LobbyCon with Tony Lee and other people. We said our goodbyes, and I headed home to begin the arduous task of reclaiming my room and decluttering my mom's home. I then began the next week of looking for my pictures of my UNIT costume, and watching the #Gally tag on Twitter.

POST-CON

I made some nice new friends at Con, and generally, this convention felt more exhilarating than in past years. It was only my third Gallifrey, but still felt so much more fun since I had a position and some authority to go with my UNIT costume, and I found more friends to share life and other things. Having met the creator of Fur Piled,I felt better knowing that not all furries are crazy people like Ian. But, they all seem to think Ian is a douche. Well, he is, but that's not the point of this. Started on working out budgets for a possible Host costume next year, figuring out a way to either make a Blowfish or Weevil costume for next year, and trying to find ways to link NorCal friends with my recent move to SoCal so that we could remain in touch. It was good to see them again, and I do miss them, but I hardly saw them as it was living up there. I do miss being on my own, though.

Well, I left out a lot, but I just don't remember what day some things fall into. Anyway, here are the two videos that I like the most.

CON OPS vs TOMMY KNIGHT WATER FIGHT:



GALLIFREY 2010 MUSIC VIDEO:



See you all in 2011 (or Comic Con 2010 or WonderCon 2010)!

        

In case you ever wonder what I do when I'm alone and there's music playing:

        

I'm just bored enough that I'm doing a live broadcast all day. Right now, it's on my balcony overlooking sunny Fremont.

Perhaps later, it will be in the apartment watching me move/dance/sleep/color.

And, you get to hear my computer's music stream the entire time. How fun!

Video streaming by Ustream

        

I'm a furry. I hope this isn't a surprise.

I drew my fursona out because I haven't drawn the updated cybernetic raccoon since, well, ever. Also, I did upgrade my drawing ability substantially since 2002. Here ya go:


CyberCoon - My Fursona by ~BREWNinja on deviantART

I just have to figure out how I'm going to get the Coon Corp arm built, along with the bionic eye and neck dealie and possibly a mechanical torso (abs) network. I haven't decided yet. I have to sketch him in a "cartoon nude" (think Bugs Bunny) turn-around to get all of his markings and junk. And since I'm not exactly "fit" in the sense of CyberCoon...a fursuit of him, well...

Any_dang_way, whenever I manage to land a well-paying job, take care of the necessities, and then my mother/grandfather/uncle, I'll look into getting a partial fursuit.

But, I'm willing to take suggestions on getting started on that Coon Corp arm. Wearable, since it'll go with any eventual full or partial fursuit. Unless someone can help me with building a fursuit too.